Love never did exist, and no one cares if it's around. It's a myth, it's sex, and it doesn't matter who it's with.

Damn it's been a while....I wish I had something interesting to write about, but sadly I am an unemployed unhappy housewife. I've been feeling hella boobed out lately. I would be lying if I said it wasn't Brian. Our relationship is shit. His mom still hasn't apologized or talked to me or anything since mother's day. Brian is all buddy buddy with her once again. It's not that I expect him to choose me over his mom, but if the tables were turned, I'd be a bitch for a little while to my mom. Luckily, my mom is kick ass and would never dream of doing something so rude. I guess Brian just doesn't care/forgot about how badly that hurt my feelings. It took him a little less than 2 weeks after mother's day before he was back taking her to lunch and out to the park. Therefore, I have found it in my best interest to move out. I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will change....and it's not even change. It's taking me out on dates and feeling special....esp with his brother living here now. I'm tired of the anxiety and work drama that prevents him from taking me out, but yet he has the time and money to take his mom. Good...then go fucking marry her because I am done.

Which that has also been a nightmare. (Jim moving in) There are boxes all over the house, so I can't do any housework cuz Brian and jim have their own agenda and I don't have the slightest clue what that is...surprise surprise. There isn't even supposed to be any boxes here. when Brian asked if he could move in (long story behind why he had to...) he said ok to my stipulations of jim getting a storage unit and for it being only a few months. He actually agreed, like wholeheartedly. Well, low and behold, he starts bringing boxes over and Brian gets mad at me for getting pissy. He completely forgot that he agreed. So it comes to moving day, and I confront jim about his plans, and basically he is planning to live here until he can buy a house (so indefinately) and he should be allowed to store shit here cuz he is paying rent. He is paying for a room. If you want to use half the house, then pay half the mortgage. Brian just stares at me like I'm some sort of psychotic bitch. So I just asked him, who are you in a relationship with? Why didn't you get my wants across? He just doesn't respect me anymore. It's been a while in the making, and I have not the slightest clue why.

I wish I had the money now to move right this minute. I will never allow myself to be completely broke again, but I trusted him when I went back to school and quit my job. He has made me feel like sucha shit monkey for financially supporting me.

So I wrote a poem about how I feel last night and Heather wanted me to share it....

I'm sorry I can't come and play today

I've been told I simply don't have a say

To my happiness or surrounding existance

So I've decided to search for some substance

To give to this life that I currently lead

Where you cut me apart and leave me to bleed

I wish you'd use your fist to strike

instead of yelling for me to take a hike

The physical pain would be easier to manage

Than all of this emotional carnage

and when I ask for you to play outside

The look I get is impossible to describe.

Your eyes roll, like it would mean defeat

In the middle, is where I offer to meet,

But at East Empire we stay each night.

I look to God and pray for some insight,

But only the wall hears each tear.

Refusing to take interest, you fail to interfere.

Without you I feel so lost,

But stay comes at a high cost.

So, I'm packing my bags, and baby I'm gone.

I promised myself I'd no longer be your pawn.

I hate to say that this is goodbye,

But you should've taken me out instead of get high.

Let's go have that wreckless love. That crazy love. That off-the-wall, won't stop, till I get enough kinda love. I need that love.

Poor Blazer doodle and his paw. They found a nasty piece of bark/wood in his paw. it was about an inch long. now he is hating life because he has a cone and his foot is bandaged. Last time we had something like this happen though he ate off the wrap in 2.5 seconds. So, now I have to deal with his bumbly ass running into walls and knocking shit over. It's been quite humorous. I decided to come home today after class to take care of him. I'll have to see if I'm going to my class tomorrow or if I'm going to care for him. He's my kid! Takes top and first priority...

speaking of priorities, Brian is going to be late home from work again. I understand, but sometimes I have this nagging suspicion that he is cheating. They say that is a sign...Sometimes I feel like being a crazy bitch and driving by just to check to see if he's at work. But if I have to do something like that, what kinda relationship does that leave us? I'm sure this is just the side effects from other feelings that have been festering. Sometimes I got these crazy feelings....just gotta suppress 'em LOL...We're all aloud some craziness right? I hope to God so...

School is going well. We're wrapping it up, and I couldn't be happier. It's been very stressful, but I am VERY satisfied with my being able to get B's. I'd like A's, but this isn't high school anymore. I hate tests so much too. When it comes to having one in front of me I blank out. Afterwards I could carry on convos about what we learned, but those damn "measurement of our skills" suck!

So anyway, today in class we talked about the US Social Form taking place in Detroit this year. I'm going to see if I can scrounge up some cash flow and ask rachel if she wants to carpool or fly or something. It's a 5 day gig. you can check it out at ussf.org this is right up my alley. It's going to be hard getting the cash since I don't have a job, but I'll think positive about finding one this summer. I really think that I'm going to study sociology once I get my dental assistant certification. I'd like to have something to "fall back on" and make some quick decent money in the mean time. I'm very interested what would be said at the Social Forum since it's about problem solving at the community level. What kinda better job could you ask for then to try to make better the community that you live in? School seems like such the "light at the end of the tunnel"....very far away. I don't particularly like my options either. I can go to shitty U of Phoenix, or Gozaga at 30k a year or EWU at 20k a year. I wish I could make it work with Brian and go to Moscow, but I just don't seeing that happen. I guess I'll just have to figure all this shizzle out..

Besides, I love that dream and all, but reality is that job is most likely probably not available currently. I need to make sure I have all my basis covered so I don't wind up with a degree and making as much money as I did. I've known a lot of people like that. It's tough out there! I think working in a dental office has some prestige and good way to pay bills. Plus, I love my teeth! Maybe free dental?!?! LOL I hope...

Well that's all that I really have to say for now.

Grumblings from "the crazy bitch"

it's kinda weird to be writing a blog again....i feel so myspace, ha...so this is my first post, and you might be asking who is the foxy, sassy lady? I will leave you in mystery because that's just how I roll....I'll just get to the point, which is to vent! Dizzam life is so confusing! It's been almost 4 years with Brian, and is this going anywhere? This last weekend def put our love to the test when his mom got upset because I invited my parents to the fondue party we are having on Mother's Day. I even asked Brian if I could (though later he WILL deny this as usual...) but is now so pissed and they're in a monster fight. She basically uninvited me and my folks...to a party...that's in my own home!?!? I hope this seems as shocking to you as it did to me. I wish Joe was still here because he loved to have family parties. He would've loved for my mom to come, plus it's !#@*)&@! mother's day and this is my house and that's my mom! Needless to say I don't want my parents coming to the stupid fondue party now and nor will I be there. Why go someplace I am certainly not welcome. I feel bad for Brian. I tried to never make him choose between me and his mom, but now she is making him choose. I am on the losing end, I'm pretty sure. He wasn't too happy about her reaction to my parent's coming either, but it's still his mama and i'm only his girlfriend...

School is good and bad. I am doing great. All B's. I'm pretty happy about this...I miss Cooper and Blazer something fierce, and what my relationship used to be before I left for school. I miss seeing him everyday because it's hard for him to give me when I expect him to when I am at school. I miss my friends, Rachel particularly....We always have so much fun together.

Sometimes, well most times, I feel like I have so much to say, but am afraid to say it because of being judged and essentially "talking shit." Some people suggest that I judge, talk shit, and get involved in everyone else's business. I don't think this is true...is it? I wait until people ask for my coveted advice...HA!

There are so many problems right now in my relationship, most days I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Brian has made is very known that he doesn't know if he wants to work things out recently, but he keeps coming back for Heidi lovin, so I suppose I must be doing something right. I wish he'd realize that he gives all his attention to his work and his mom, and there is little left for me ever. I have learned to adapt my life and go out without him since he has social anxiety, but I don't think asking to feel special is a bad request?! One a boyfriend should want to do, in my opinion..He thinks I'm too dependent upon him, and I think there's some validity to this statement. I just feel so confused in life, little direction with school, living out of a suitcase i.e. having no real place to call home, and now since leaving to school Brian has enjoyed his private time. He is indifferent to if I am here or gone. I don't blame him lately because I've hated being here....so much animosity... I think about leaving, but then I think about the house, our animals (which are mine, but ya know he's attached too.), all we've been through together, and the fact that we almost had a kid together. It's powerful persuasion to stay and try to make it work. I feel committed to it, and I hope he does too. Brian's mom has almost put a major crimp in my style at least...Brian, too. I understand she lost a son suddenly, but she still has two living son's and needs to focus on that fact. He has changed so much since Joe's passing. I admire the fact that he's there for his mom, but I resent her because he has taken the love he used to have for me to give to her. I don't really blame him for that so much because when she was over here last week it was 2+ hours of nonstop complaining. Like literally not even taking a breath. I was exhausted by the time she left. I don't want to sit here and bash on his mom by any means. I just wish Joe was still here. He used to make any situation happy and light. I don't feel as if she's living the loving life like Joe did and we are all striving to do. Uninviting my mother to mother's day....how fucking rude! There's lots more I could include, but I don't want to be seen as bashing her because I used to like spending time with her. I'm not sure what happened....but I am also unsure how we are ever going to be able to move on from the whole mother's day fiasco.

Well I need to go take care of the dog. He has to go in tomorrow morning for some emergency care to his paw, which is all infected craziness. They're going to see if they have to do surgery. They didn't have enough time to allocate to him today, so then sent me away and told us to come back first thing in the AM. He's in the bathtub now having his foot soak. He seems to enjoy those....lol spoiled mutt! Well pray for Blazer-doodle!