Grumblings from "the crazy bitch"

it's kinda weird to be writing a blog again....i feel so myspace, ha...so this is my first post, and you might be asking who is the foxy, sassy lady? I will leave you in mystery because that's just how I roll....I'll just get to the point, which is to vent! Dizzam life is so confusing! It's been almost 4 years with Brian, and is this going anywhere? This last weekend def put our love to the test when his mom got upset because I invited my parents to the fondue party we are having on Mother's Day. I even asked Brian if I could (though later he WILL deny this as usual...) but is now so pissed and they're in a monster fight. She basically uninvited me and my folks...to a party...that's in my own home!?!? I hope this seems as shocking to you as it did to me. I wish Joe was still here because he loved to have family parties. He would've loved for my mom to come, plus it's !#@*)&@! mother's day and this is my house and that's my mom! Needless to say I don't want my parents coming to the stupid fondue party now and nor will I be there. Why go someplace I am certainly not welcome. I feel bad for Brian. I tried to never make him choose between me and his mom, but now she is making him choose. I am on the losing end, I'm pretty sure. He wasn't too happy about her reaction to my parent's coming either, but it's still his mama and i'm only his girlfriend...

School is good and bad. I am doing great. All B's. I'm pretty happy about this...I miss Cooper and Blazer something fierce, and what my relationship used to be before I left for school. I miss seeing him everyday because it's hard for him to give me when I expect him to when I am at school. I miss my friends, Rachel particularly....We always have so much fun together.

Sometimes, well most times, I feel like I have so much to say, but am afraid to say it because of being judged and essentially "talking shit." Some people suggest that I judge, talk shit, and get involved in everyone else's business. I don't think this is true...is it? I wait until people ask for my coveted advice...HA!

There are so many problems right now in my relationship, most days I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Brian has made is very known that he doesn't know if he wants to work things out recently, but he keeps coming back for Heidi lovin, so I suppose I must be doing something right. I wish he'd realize that he gives all his attention to his work and his mom, and there is little left for me ever. I have learned to adapt my life and go out without him since he has social anxiety, but I don't think asking to feel special is a bad request?! One a boyfriend should want to do, in my opinion..He thinks I'm too dependent upon him, and I think there's some validity to this statement. I just feel so confused in life, little direction with school, living out of a suitcase i.e. having no real place to call home, and now since leaving to school Brian has enjoyed his private time. He is indifferent to if I am here or gone. I don't blame him lately because I've hated being here....so much animosity... I think about leaving, but then I think about the house, our animals (which are mine, but ya know he's attached too.), all we've been through together, and the fact that we almost had a kid together. It's powerful persuasion to stay and try to make it work. I feel committed to it, and I hope he does too. Brian's mom has almost put a major crimp in my style at least...Brian, too. I understand she lost a son suddenly, but she still has two living son's and needs to focus on that fact. He has changed so much since Joe's passing. I admire the fact that he's there for his mom, but I resent her because he has taken the love he used to have for me to give to her. I don't really blame him for that so much because when she was over here last week it was 2+ hours of nonstop complaining. Like literally not even taking a breath. I was exhausted by the time she left. I don't want to sit here and bash on his mom by any means. I just wish Joe was still here. He used to make any situation happy and light. I don't feel as if she's living the loving life like Joe did and we are all striving to do. Uninviting my mother to mother's day....how fucking rude! There's lots more I could include, but I don't want to be seen as bashing her because I used to like spending time with her. I'm not sure what happened....but I am also unsure how we are ever going to be able to move on from the whole mother's day fiasco.

Well I need to go take care of the dog. He has to go in tomorrow morning for some emergency care to his paw, which is all infected craziness. They're going to see if they have to do surgery. They didn't have enough time to allocate to him today, so then sent me away and told us to come back first thing in the AM. He's in the bathtub now having his foot soak. He seems to enjoy those....lol spoiled mutt! Well pray for Blazer-doodle!