Love never did exist, and no one cares if it's around. It's a myth, it's sex, and it doesn't matter who it's with.

Damn it's been a while....I wish I had something interesting to write about, but sadly I am an unemployed unhappy housewife. I've been feeling hella boobed out lately. I would be lying if I said it wasn't Brian. Our relationship is shit. His mom still hasn't apologized or talked to me or anything since mother's day. Brian is all buddy buddy with her once again. It's not that I expect him to choose me over his mom, but if the tables were turned, I'd be a bitch for a little while to my mom. Luckily, my mom is kick ass and would never dream of doing something so rude. I guess Brian just doesn't care/forgot about how badly that hurt my feelings. It took him a little less than 2 weeks after mother's day before he was back taking her to lunch and out to the park. Therefore, I have found it in my best interest to move out. I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will change....and it's not even change. It's taking me out on dates and feeling special....esp with his brother living here now. I'm tired of the anxiety and work drama that prevents him from taking me out, but yet he has the time and money to take his mom. Good...then go fucking marry her because I am done.

Which that has also been a nightmare. (Jim moving in) There are boxes all over the house, so I can't do any housework cuz Brian and jim have their own agenda and I don't have the slightest clue what that is...surprise surprise. There isn't even supposed to be any boxes here. when Brian asked if he could move in (long story behind why he had to...) he said ok to my stipulations of jim getting a storage unit and for it being only a few months. He actually agreed, like wholeheartedly. Well, low and behold, he starts bringing boxes over and Brian gets mad at me for getting pissy. He completely forgot that he agreed. So it comes to moving day, and I confront jim about his plans, and basically he is planning to live here until he can buy a house (so indefinately) and he should be allowed to store shit here cuz he is paying rent. He is paying for a room. If you want to use half the house, then pay half the mortgage. Brian just stares at me like I'm some sort of psychotic bitch. So I just asked him, who are you in a relationship with? Why didn't you get my wants across? He just doesn't respect me anymore. It's been a while in the making, and I have not the slightest clue why.

I wish I had the money now to move right this minute. I will never allow myself to be completely broke again, but I trusted him when I went back to school and quit my job. He has made me feel like sucha shit monkey for financially supporting me.

So I wrote a poem about how I feel last night and Heather wanted me to share it....

I'm sorry I can't come and play today

I've been told I simply don't have a say

To my happiness or surrounding existance

So I've decided to search for some substance

To give to this life that I currently lead

Where you cut me apart and leave me to bleed

I wish you'd use your fist to strike

instead of yelling for me to take a hike

The physical pain would be easier to manage

Than all of this emotional carnage

and when I ask for you to play outside

The look I get is impossible to describe.

Your eyes roll, like it would mean defeat

In the middle, is where I offer to meet,

But at East Empire we stay each night.

I look to God and pray for some insight,

But only the wall hears each tear.

Refusing to take interest, you fail to interfere.

Without you I feel so lost,

But stay comes at a high cost.

So, I'm packing my bags, and baby I'm gone.

I promised myself I'd no longer be your pawn.

I hate to say that this is goodbye,

But you should've taken me out instead of get high.